How To: Advice from Wizarding Britain
by snarksaplenty
Summary: For a better, stronger, more charismatic you, follow these pearls of wisdom by leading "experts" and famous faces in the wizarding world! With 'How To: Advice from Wizarding Britain', become the perfect sorcerer today! Please note that not many contributors actually follow their own advice. Effectiveness of advice not guaranteed.
1. Advertisement

**SIR OR MADAM!**

Do YOU have knowledge that you wish to share? Do YOU think that Wizarding Britain could benefit from your advice?

Are you lost and unsure, looking for direction in life?

Well _look no further!_

For a better, stronger, more charismatic you, follow these pearls of wisdom by leading "experts" and famous faces in the wizarding world!

With '_How To: Advice from Wizarding Britain_', become the perfect sorcerer today!

Help is at hand with '_How To: Advice from Wizarding Britain_'!

* * *

Please note that not many contributors actually follow their own advice. Effectiveness of advice not guaranteed.


	2. How To: Molly W

**_How to: Clean Up After a Large Family._**

_by Mrs Molly Weasley, Ottery St Catchpole_

* * *

_People sometimes ask me how I do it, keeping a good home with such a large family. Honestly, once you get into a routine it's easy enough, but sometimes seven children and a husband get a bit too much. It's a lot of rooms to clean and a lot of mouths to feed, and while I'd never complain, I sometimes need a little bit of help. This is where getting the rest of the family off their backsides can be handy, and this is normally how I do it:_

1. **Asking your spouse**

The first step is usually to ask the man of the house to step in – or woman, depending on the home. Try not to corner them just as they get home from work, but don't wait until they're comfortable either. It takes careful timing, but be firm.

Good: The task is done before bed.

Bad: A mumbled 'yes dear', followed by them completely forgetting.

2.** Asking your children**

The more children you have, the easier this could be. On the other hand, it could also be much harder. No matter which way it goes though, expect grumbling, excuses and the protest that 'It's brother/sisters turn!' Believing this last one is tricky: I'd recommend drawing up a chart to keep track.

Good: The task is done, usually slowly, but it's done.

Bad: Ranges from nothing to them doing half a job and then giving up.

3. **Bribery**

Useful for younger children or children who've had their pocket money cut before. Sweets, favours and a little gold can help things along beautifully, though watch out for a greedy or sneaky child who tries to get a little more out of you. Link housework with rewards and you'll have a spotless house (and empty pockets)!

Good: They tidy up, happy with the deal we've made.

Bad: They don't think the reward is worth it and do nothing.

4. **Threats**

You've had enough and all the pocket money in the world won't help them now. Threats of grounding, loss of privileges or a good shouting-at will have all but the most lazy or stubborn scrubbing away. Bringing in the spouse to help might be called for, but don't expect them to be as upset as you are, though if they are, that's a bonus. Be careful when trying this one on teenagers, they might throw a fit right back.

Good: They get their housework done in record time.

Bad: They sulk and refuse on principle.

5. **The passive-aggressive approach**

This is the point where things start to get a little out of hand. If your spouse and children still won't tidy anything away, then call their bluff and let things sit and wait for them. Let the clothes pile up in their room and the dust collect in the corners, and let the dishes sit until there's none left to be used. Sometimes this works, but I honestly wouldn't recommend it, especially if you're bothered by the sight of big laundry piles.

Good: They crack when they can't reach the door any more.

Bad: They tidy where needed, but leave the rest still sitting there.

6. **The inevitable end**

It's time to shelve your pride and just tidy it all yourself. If it makes you feel any better, you'd probably have re-done their attempts anyway.

Good: You have a clean house, and guilt equals good Mothers Day presents.

* * *

_Publishers Note:_ If you have anything to say about the advice featured in today's column, please send us an owl and let us know! OR! Do you feel like something (or someone!) is missing from our archive? Send us a name or an idea that you would like to see featured here, and we'll do our best to see it done!


	3. How To: Albus D

**How to: Annoy Your Enemies**

_by Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore_

_Hogwarts Headmaster, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., D. Wiz., X.J.(sorc.), S. of Mag.Q_

* * *

Despite my charm, intelligence and prowess as a wizard, I confess that some people simply do not like me. It is unthinkable, confusing, and sadly the truth. We all have our rivals, no matter who we are or what we may have done, and there is only so much one can do to turn the tide in our favour. However, this doesn't mean that we are condemned to a life of gloom and dirty looks, oh goodness no. No, if we put our minds to it, our enemies can be a source of mischief anyone can enjoy, and in the end, no-one gets hurt.

My ultimate favourite – and by far the most useful – is to simply take the moral high ground. I tell you now, there are few things more rewarding than the knowledge that your principles remain intact and your point unsullied while your associate seethes in front of you. For some odd reason, being the better man can be utterly frustrating to some people. The calm smile and placating agreements are of course optional, but they draw out some beautiful facial expressions if used correctly.

Another useful method in an argument is to agree with them_._ Believe me, this throws the more belligerent wizard every time. A wizard may barge in ready for a blazing row, all their choice arguments ready and waiting – only for them to be drawn up short as you humbly concede their point. Forgiving them their mistakes instead of taking offence results in a similar result, and you've avoided a headache to boot.

For professional rivals or friends without a sense of humour, I would suggest changing your password to something ridiculous and/or embarrassing_. _I personally chose sweets: firstly, because I rather like doing it and it's fun to think up the next one*, and secondly because the reactions can be absolutely priceless. I admit it's rather juvenile, but at the end of the day listening to your enemies grind out 'Acid pop' through gritted teeth can brighten any meeting, no matter how boring or hostile. Granted, this one does depend on whether or not you have an office that requires a password, but I'm sure you can think of something.

Then again, there are some wizards who are either unwilling or unable to fall for the usual tricks. With such men, reasoning or placating or even being silly will achieve little, and for these men I recommend blocking their progress at every turn. This can range from passive-aggressive to completely hostile depending on what they're trying to do, but they despise it**. Plus, in this version you get the lucky side-effect of helping the people their schemes affect.

If all else fails, you could invent a few schemes of your own, but really, who would have the time for such a thing..?

* * *

*But be sure not to make them too long. Ridiculous is amusing, but frustrating them with a password that's near-impossible to say is going to end in a lot of grumbling when they finally get in.

**With the very stubborn ones, simply still being alive can do it. But I digress.

* * *

Publishers Note: If you have anything to say about the advice featured in today's column, please send us an owl and let us know! OR! Do you feel like something (or someone!) is missing from our archive? Send us a name or an idea that you would like to see featured here, and we'll do our best to see it done!


End file.
